WRITING NOVELS by Nick Walker

Don’t do it. Keep your novels to yourselves. I’m the guy around here who writes novels and the last thing I need is a bunch of people doing the same thing and clogging up shelf space. My agent has enough to read, my publisher has enough to publish, and if they have to spend time reading your manuscripts then they have less energy for me. The more of you around, the less chance I have of getting a good display on a table in Waterstones, of being reviewed, or of winning some literary prize. So do something else, do some gardening. Have you got anything worthwhile to say anyway? If so, why haven’t you already said it? Why are you reading this? What’s the matter with you? You’ve got a computer, or a pad and pencil for God’s sake. You want to spend less time surfing, mate. Doesn’t matter to me, of course, take your time. Take forever. Especially if you’re talented, then I definitely don’t want to know. Or if your second name begins with W, that’s going to irritate me in the bookshop and I’ll put your book in the B’s so no one can find it. I have enough trouble with Alice Walker as it is. And Evelyn Waugh. That’s if anyone is even looking for your damn book. Do you know how small the book buying public is? It’s tiny. In fact, if you’re a man and you buy over two books a year then you’re in a percentage of the population that is statistically insignificant. If you’re a woman then you might buy a couple more, but not many. And one of these books needs to be mine, not yours. Nor Alice Walker’s. Not that I’ll be like this when you’re published. Then we will, of course, be best literary buddies and go to the pub together and attend soirees. It’s just I’ve got a family to feed. Got to watch my back haven’t I? So there you go. Stick with being a reader. And to that end, why not buy Blackbox to keep you going? And move onto Helloland afterwards. Buy them as Christmas presents for your friends and family, they only cost six or seven quid and if Waterstones is out of stock then Amazon offers a quick and efficient service. Then come to a book signing or a book festival gig, and I’ll sign your book, because I love readers. Bloody love them. It’s just writers I have to watch because some of them tend to be a bit jealous and paranoid. Nick Walker has had two novels published. He lives in Coventry and he also writes plays. [www.nickwalker.info]